You make beautiful things....
Today in chapel we ended on a recent favorite song of mine titled "You make beautiful things" by Gungor. It's a song that speaks about the beauty that God creates from our lives.The chorus goes as follows:
"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us"
It's truly a powerful and musically pleasing song. But it is the emotion within the song that speaks more deeply to me. It feels to be a song of redemption. If God can create such beautiful things like the mountains and the forests from dust, what can he create from the life of a sinner.
That's what I am. A sinner who has a really hard time accepting that I am forgiven for what I have done. Now I'm not talking about the common sins like infidelity in marriage (surprisingly common), or lying to others or even just simply not going to church regularly. My sins are much more personal and have caused far too much pain to others.
And no I'm not a murderer or a rapist, though one could argue I'm just as bad. I was the villain in a lot of peoples lives, especially the women who I tried to win over. I have been obsessed with falling in love and having a family for a very long time. And that obsession lead me to chasing after any woman who would give me a second date. I figured out how they thought, learned to say the right things and tricked them into falling in love with me. Once they were mine I hardly knew what to do and eventually my spell was broken and they called me a monster...
Hear that one enough and you really start to believe it. You start to accept that your role is to hurt people so that way they can learn to protect themselves from the "real" bad guys. These women were safe with me because even though I would manipulate them I never intended harm and never fought to keep them.
Liar...
I did fight though. I dragged them down and made them fight with me so that they could feel the agony I had in my own heart. The emptiness that could never be filled. I wanted someone to love me but I could never show them that part of me....
I carried a deep wound from my past that left me always feeling inadequate and unworthy of the love of another. I think that's why I chose the girls I chose... They were all beautiful in their own ways, each a special and unique girl and each of them covered in scars....
Beautiful things....
They were broken and I thought that their brokenness made them even more beautiful. I don't know what it is but I have always seen beauty in destruction. A fallen tree, a shattered window in a half burned house... a tear running down the face of a young woman. There is more truth in these broken things that in any of the falsified images that flood our world. Beauty comes from pain, because truth comes from pain and truth is beautiful.
Don't mind me, I'm just trying to be philosophic and I'm not terribly good at it. False humility. People are my passion and I love to learn all I can about them, but I never saw the truth until I hurt them, stripped them of their walls and made them completely vulnerable. Stark naked with their soul flooding the air. Tears were a song to me and I was addicted to the sorrow and pain that their agony made me feel. I loved feeling guilty and being the bad guy. More than joy and more than pleasure I loved the feeling of heartache and the bittersweet taste of loneliness. But only when it was fresh. Only in those first weeks after the wound was opened did I find satisfaction, beauty in the tragedy that I created. Then I was empty and she was gone....
Always alone in the end....
That is how I sinned. I broke peoples spirits for my own pleasure and made them hate me. That was the role I took upon myself. I'm not sure if it came from the void in my own heart or if I simply was born with a wicked heart. Regardless I now struggle with the idea of redemption for my sins and how I am to answer this call God has placed in front of me. I am studying theology with the hope to go into the ministry, yet I do not see how I can become a leader with my past so full of darkness.
Maybe that's why I'm writing this then. I would be surprised if it actually gets read by anyone, it's honestly mostly for me to release what I have locked away in my heart and in my head. Because tonight I feel as if I am nothing but dust and deserve nothing, but if it is true that tragedy is beautiful then why do I look upon my own life with disgust....
You make beautiful things... you make beautiful things out of the dust... You make beautiful things... you make beautiful things out of us....
