For the last few months I had decided that maybe that wasn't the road that was for me. I had been through some rough times with friends and a now ex-girlfriend who I had thought I wanted to marry. Turns out I did want to marry her, but she realized that being with me meant both of us would sacrifice our own dreams of where we were going with life and what we really deserved out of a relationship. I was so caught up with her that I didn't realize how correct she was until months after she said goodbye. But in that time I decided that I was going to give up on my dream, my one life goal that I had always had, because chasing it always ended up in me hurting and losing amazing people from my life.
I walked away from the dream in my heart and let myself wander with ideas of where I was going. I knew I would end up preaching someday and that was something I wanted to do, yet sharing the gospel and giving my life to Christ felt... well it didn't feel like everyone else says it does. It felt like I was walking away from something I loved in exchange for something I loved. That's on odd way of putting it, but it's true. I wanted to give my life over to Jesus and with it my whole heart, and I felt that by abandoning this crazy dream of mine I could do that. I mean after all, it was something that had lead me down some really dark and dumb roads.
Chasing this dream was something that I did not know how to not do. I had chased it from the moment I really figured out what it was, and every time I ended up broken and lost as to what it really was I wanted. Yet each time I still wanted it, and I couldn't think of why it was. I mean, why would I keep chasing something that was obviously unreachable?
So when I chose Christ over this dream, I thought I would feel free and be able to move forward in my pursuit of living a Godly life. The first few months were difficult, but eventually I accepted that I had to stick to my decision and I shut that part of myself away. And that seemed to work, but I still continued to feel hollow.
Then I went and accepted an internship at a church full of retired ministers and missionaries and Christian educators. While at the church I started to feel that itch of the dream stir. I was surrounded by people who either had lived my dream or were still living it and it made me feel as if I had made the wrong choice. I prayed and I talked with others about it, though I tried to keep the intention of my questions subtle. And in my exploration I had a moment of brilliance.
A whisper of the divine who told me that I had been wrong all along.
This dream I had given up was not a fleeting distraction but a piece of a greater whole. It was the essence of who I am and it is something I need in order to fulfill my purpose in this world. I cannot do what I need to without this dream and God will provide me with what I need.
I could not be the best version of myself without my dream, because it was the reason I live and breath.
My dream is to be a father. A good man and a good father, and I know that my road will be a long one, but God will guide me and with Him and my dream I know I can move forward to fulfill my purpose in His divine plan.
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