Praying , The Beauty of Self-loathing

Heavenly Father, Lord of Hosts,

Tonight I come to you with a heart that's heavy and a mind that's foggy. You see today I had the joy of going to wedding for the son of one of the elders at the church. I didn't know anyone who was there expect the elder, his wife and other church members. But no one whom I knew very closely. The wedding was beautiful and nearly brought me to tears, though not from beauty.

You see, there's a reason I dislike going to weddings, Our Father. and that reason is because it reminds me of Her. She was the one who stole my heart with the first look and to this day still has hooks that cling to hope like a desperate sailor drifting after a storm. She was the one who I swore you made for me, yet all She believed was "Not here, Not now, Not me" and Lord was She right.

I am haunted by the thought of Her on days like this Lord. On days where we celebrate the successful beginning of a love that will last a lifetime if it's lucky. When we celebrate a love that will be dragged through the debris of emotional baggage and stories that only end in heartache, where memories will haunt like ghosts begging to be forgotten. I am reminded of Her and how much I wanted to sort through the garbage that is this world in order to carve out a piece of beauty that would make us both at least mostly happy.

But instead of that, I am haunted by Her wedding that I never saw, seeing that man that I never met see Her all in white and the tears they shared because of how in love they were. I am haunted by that laugh and the first dance they shared that I never watched. I think of how She moved past me so quickly, like I was a piece of stone sinking to the bottom of the sea, as distant of a memory as love is from hate. And Lord I am angry because She got to move on, She got to be free and I got to be forgotten. But She....

She never could be.

I hear the cries of Her first child on days like these, and the laughter supports Her family through the world that they share.

Father, I cannot forget Her and I do not know why. She moved on and yet on days like today Her memory is what consumes my mind. It's been 6 and a half years and still I am stuck on the idea that She would come back someday...

But it's only on days like today, days where I forget to see where I've gone, how far I have come from where I was. It's because on a day like this I don't remember how to love myself. And when that happens I realize that no one could love me like those two who exchanged rings love each other.

Lord I pray for peace today. Because you see me in a light that I cannot understand from the shadows of my loathing. Help me to see what I have failed to see. To see what She saw in me the day that we first kissed. To see how much saying goodbye hurt for Her...

Lord I pray for a love for myself like how I once loved Her. I am tired of Loathing and Hurt being my constant companions. I still believe in Saviors.

Lord as I fall past in this vast ocean of your beauty, don't forget who you intended me to be, because I know that I already have.